“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted