“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.