[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.