Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.