You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
You Might Also Like
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Imma just leave this here…………
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!