Leaving the Barbers like
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.