Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…