Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I’d rather fork than spoon.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I wanna be friends with this person
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.