The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
You Might Also Like
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.