[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.