Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.