You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.