Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
podcasts
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.