@FeelingMervis: "You never told me you were vegan!" - no one ever
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@causticbob: Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him? If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.
@dafloydsta: How to annoy your children: Me: Don't come in here without knocking Child: Ok *leaves* *knocks* M: Who is it? C: It's me! M: Go away
@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
@mattZillaaaa: Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I'm her boyfriend. I'm flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship