[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”