Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah