Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Florida man
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.