“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN