You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’d rather fork than spoon.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.