You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My favorite farside!!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…