you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)