You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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There are no pants in heaven.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names