You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
#dnd #ttrpg
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.