mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I drew y’all a little something.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
That was easy.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant