You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.