Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒