You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.