You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
The three genders.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The photographer’s assistant
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket