You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Good morning y’all ☀️
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it