[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Best spoiler warning ever
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
#ParentingFacts
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Was it something I said?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up