You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…