Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
every. time.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda