You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You Might Also Like
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Not😆🤣
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
This has made my week.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.