You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
You Might Also Like
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!