You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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and now we wait
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!