Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned