You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
and this one
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning