You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.