@JermHimselfish: You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?
@Jazzzzzmina: Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.
@causticbob: The kidnapper rang and said "£10,000 and you get your wife back" "Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman "£20,000 and she's all yours"