Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Anyone want a chair?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.