Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Order here:
More here:
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.