You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door