[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.