@weinerdog4life: You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women's restroom.
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@1_swarthy_dude: Boss:"I'll need those projections done Aesop!" Me:"You mean ASAP?" Boss:"No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
@EndhooS: reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit