Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Yes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.