*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung