You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
omg leave her alone
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it