You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Good boy 😂😂
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.