You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
This anagram machine is out of order.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
NASA has no chill
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.