@theevilwriter: You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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@markydoodoo: [at dog park] ME: it's ok, she's friendly. THEM: is, is that a crab? ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.
@Reverend_Scott: Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
@TheTalkingPipe: I didn't know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That's you. Now, see the guy choking you? That's me.
@singing_ghosts: [texting in 1918] *pigeon delivers message* *msg reads: I don't love you* *turns to u* why would u send this? "it was 6 days ago. I was mad"