You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass