@theevilwriter: You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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@MindyFurano: Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
@DirtMcTurd: I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now but I'm still proud...
@rachelle_mandik: HIM: If you're upset that people think you're weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
@jonnysun: grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road