Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Introverted vegans go meetless
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now