You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.