You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.