You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE