you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
That’s classic.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
he chose this
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.